Monday, February 20, 2012

When the proverbial explicative hits the fan...























Sometimes, people hurt you... Badly. Without ever intending to, they can crush you to the core, push you to the end of yourself, and you'll feel like you cannot move, even clenching your eyes so tightly shut for fear your pulverized heart is completely strained to soup and will pour through your irises if you dare open them. Why does this happen? Short AND long answer - I don't know. So what do you do with this blasted eating-disorder thing??? All the legitimizations come just as they have before, such as "I deserve to take extreme measures to be thin, I'm dealing with a crisis and at least I'll feel better about myself when I look great" or "2 gallons of ice cream will always make me feel better" and "It's my body, my choice, and I want to be skinny even if I have to starve to get there!"

THIS is the voice of my ED.

Dang it - I've chosen to not do as ED tells me to do.
So, I can only do one thing...

FEEL.

FEEL. It seems so simple, but its true. I need to let myself be hurt. I need to let myself FEEL that hurt. I need to be honest about the anger that wells up in response to the pain that paralyses. And I need to take it to God. SO between the sobs, you mutter and cry and weep..."GOD, I'm ANGRY! Jesus, I feel betrayed! Lord, I hurt... God, I can't breathe... help me through this because I don't know how to make it thru this...Lord, please fix me - I'm falling apart. Jesus, please heal me - I'm dying."

You fall asleep that night, maybe with a little extra help from the psalms, tea, haagen daas...
And then you wake the next day, breathing in the same air, dealing with the same pain, fighting with the same voice... but it's not the only voice.

So often, we are called to take steps into the fire, sometimes we're thrown in, and sometimes we put ourselves there by routes of self-destruction, but God's answer is always the same - TRUST ME, FOLLOW ME, and I WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH IT. And that's where I am. Is it easy? nope. Is it against my nature? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Is He right? ........ YES. I know Him well enough to know He is ALWAYS right, and that HE never fails. Though the rest of the world tells me the opposite, and I do not have all the answers, I KNOW HE IS STILL GOD.

So I breathe in, get out of bed, and start walking with him again, trusting Him with another day. and not letting ED, society, or any other power or principality stop me from moving forward, one step, one bite, one tear at a time... and I have no regrets. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57; 1 Chronicles 28:20; Hebrews 13:5

Today's food log...


Breakfast (6am)
Coffee with steamed soy
3 oz greek yogurt with kiwi
handful of oats-squares cereal

Mid-morning Snack (9:30am)
1 egg
2 sliced of whole wheat toast with raw honey
unsweetened pomegranate white tea

Lunch (1:30)
vegetarian chilli with tomatoes, black beans, and green onions
2 garlic knots
8 oz chocolate soymilk
coffee with raw sugar

Snack (4:00)
3/4 cup brown rice

Dinner (7:00)
bowl of shredded wheat and almond milk, sweetened with agave
bowl of wheat farina with agave, ginger, cinnamon, and nutritional yeast
1 gingeroo cookie

Sunday, February 19, 2012

No more Starving

Principle # 2 - Honor Your Hunger
"Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food."

Thus far, for the most part I am honoring my hunger. I am certainly recognizing better when I am actually hungry versus when I am not, and consciously assessing of when I eat for hunger needs, or just cause I want it. I have certainly not let myself go hungry :)


Today's Food log...

Breakfast
chocolate kale banana and peanut butter shake
small oatmeal with a dash of brown sugar and dried fruit

Lunch
Brown Rice and veggies

Snack
Greek Yogurt with Kiwi
Saltines

Dinner
Rubios HealthMex Veggie Burrito with Guac, and chips with Salsa
Starbucks coffee with steamed soy
1/2 chocolate chunk cookie

Additional
3 oz rose wine
1/2 cup Life cereal

Friday, February 17, 2012

Just stayin Accountable...

K folks, today's post is simple because I'm still marinating over eysterday's lightbulb, and trust me, its a good thing :
Here is yesterday's food log.

Breakfast
1/2 cup cereal
1 raisin bagel with 1 tbsp peanut butter
Green tea

Snack
handful cereal
biscotti
Earl Grey

Lunch
1 serving Top Ramen
1/2 sandwich pesto avocado

Dinner
Del Taco bean and rice burrito, & 1/2 small fries
5 papaya spears

Additional
plate of stewed veggies
another handful of cereal
Luna Bar
Cream of Wheat with Raisins, brown sugar, and almonds

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Easier Said than Done


After some thought, I've decided I'm going to spend a few days on the first Principle, and give at least a few days to each principle if necessary. The simple reason why: I need to. I think I jumped into the book thinking "If I get through this quick enough, I'll solve my problems before I know it". But I want to do this the right way, I want these changes and concepts to stick, and that means for me, I need to slow down and really digest what my brain is consuming here. Like studying for college, you'll actually remember them after the test if you take more than a day to study the curriculum, and I can tell that one day per principle for me is not enough to suffice.

Today, I'm gonna start off with yesterday's food log -
Breakfast
Oats with maple syrup, raisins, and almonds
6oz fresh apple juice

Snack
-1/2 sandwich of avocado, lettuce, tomato, pesto, and whole wheat bread

Lunch
Cranberry Bagel and 2tbsp almond butter
1 grande iced coffee with classic syrup and soy milk
1 serving chili top ramen

Snack
1 panda licorice roll


Dinner
12 oz Gatorade
Small bowl oatsquares cereal and almond milk
1 egg with nutritional yeast and ketsup

Additional
Fritos and hummus
1 tbsp peanut butter
2 servings cheetos (here, I ate one serving past fullness in full awareness... guilt, physical discomfort, and feelings of failure immediately followed...just being honest peeps)

Lets begin with some more info from the book...
Tribole and Resche (authors) explain in their first chapter that the Diet Mentality produces a Diet Backlash, and they list several possible symptoms which I will somewhat paraphrase here. They include:
1 - urges for "forbidden" foods when even contemplating going on a diet
2 - food binging and guilt when a diet has been ended
3 - having little self-trust with food
4 - feeling you don't deserve to eat cause you're overweight
5 - shortened dieting durations (like slim-fast)
6 - "Last Supper" binging
7 - Social withdrawal to avoid situations with opportunities to "fall off the bandwagon"
8 - sluggish metabolism (yep folks, yo-yo dieting can slow your metabolic rate!)
9 - Using caffeine to survive the day (which produces several health issues on its own)
10 - Eating disorders

While reading this, I was saddened to realize that I have experienced all of these symptoms. Talk about having feelings of inadequacy attack your brain like a thousand tiny ninjas. But I also knew that my disorder was reinforcing my insecurities, so thankfully i didn't stop reading. Hit page 7 and I see the sentence "Dieting is a form of short-term starvation."

(internal dialogue)

WHAT?!
Wait, you mean I've been starving myself when I go on those diets?! No, no, that can't be all possibly true... but then again, my body does seem to tell me I'm hungrier than my meal plans says I should be... Plus, don't you get hungrier later in the day when you haven't satiated your body's need for nutrition earlier? And Why didn't I figure this out before?


(reading on)
"the seemingly brave solution - try harder next time."

Dang, don't I know this mantra like the rest of 'em. I must not be trying hard enough to limit myself on eating, not working hard enough to drown out the sounds of my stomach growling, not denying myself convincingly enough.

I continued to read and just kept feeling lower, smaller, suckier.


Something is wrong. I want to give up reading. Why? This book is informing me, not condemning me. Why does it feel like I'm being reprimanded? Why do I feel like...
Wait (Lightbulb)!

Suddenly I realized that I had been reading this entire time in a subconsciously patronizing tone, and I realized I have and a major psychological issue and spiritual struggle with FAILURE.

Wow Lord, help me navigate this cause I don't even know how to begin to deal with this.

Praise God - a sense of freedom came over me.

God wants this moment for me, to see the truth here, and to in turn give it to Him. He doesn't want me to live under this cloud, he wants to free me from it! O Lord, help me to lay this at your feet, to be set free from the bondage of FAILURE and to live in the freedom that You desire to give me!



I am excited to see what God wants to show me here, and how HE is going to break away these chains. I do not know how He is gonna do it or how long it will take, but I know He wants to, He's already working in it, and the answers are in Him. I know that I am no longer going to have to live under FAILURE... and this is just the beginning.


God bless y'all :)


RESOURCES
Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D. & Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D., F.A.D.A

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

End the Facade


Principle #1 - Reject the Diet Mentality
"Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating."

Oi, this is tough for me. I LOVE fitness magazine, and I have numerous clippings of the "lose 10 lbs by summer" and "drop a dress size in 4 weeks" style articles amongst my regular reads. This itself is enough to bring up loads of frustration, over the time I've spent both trying these out, and feeling like a failure every time it didn't work or live up to my expectations. If you think about it, the Diet Business is one of those areas that the experts can be wrong a lot of the time and still make a fortune, strangely similar to weather forecasters...
I guess that I can make a trip to the beach and build a nice bonfire with all those clippings. Bye-bye Fitness Mag.
I also have photos of skinny women, women I've idolized for their physique, their apparent beauty, their unrealistic photoshop perfection, and blamed myself for not being the same. If they can why can't I? Well, they can't, but photoshop sure can...
Goodbye false idols.
I'll let you know what other culprits I find.

Here is yesterday's food log:

Breakfast
1 whole wheat English muffin
1 small brown organic egg
1 tbs "this is not cream cheese" spread from Trader Joe's
1 tsp organic raspberry preserves

Snack
3 chocolate fudge covered Ritz crackers
Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake with Kale (see recipe below)

Lunch (at Jack in the Box)
1/2 small order of Fries
1 sourdough bun with lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard, and bbq sauce
24 oz Mango Iced Tea

Dinner (All-Girls Valentines Dinner with 12 wonderful women!!!)
a plate of little bits of Italian favorites, included Bruscetta, spaghetti marinara, breadstick, oil and vinegar with fresh bread, pasta salad, romaine salad with kalamata olives, spinach with strawberry
Dessert - 1/2 a canoli (Trader Joe's), 1 chocolate covered strawberry, 1/2 of a small vegan cupcake, 1/4 cup serving of tiramisu
6oz glass chardonnay

Additional
second plate of pasta salad

I need to be ready to have food not be something that brings my life as much excitement anymore. Not because I'll be eating flavorless meals or starving myself, but because after recovery, the thrill of the chase for the forbidden will be gone once my addiction subsides. Binging will no longer fulfill (pun intended) me, nor help me deal with the real issues that my food problem is a manifestation of. When I go on a diet, I'm taking care of a symptom, not my actual problems. It's like any additiction. that substance to which we are addicted is what brings comfort, a comfort that we can gravitate to even if we know it is killing us.
That being said, I can see how God really blessed me las night...
I got the opportunity to celebrate Valentines Day with 12 amazing women, all but one was single, and we spent the whole time in wonderful fellowship, chatting, laughing, and to my great surprise, no moping about our singleness (an oddity for me on V-day, I assure you.) And the food was wonderful. I ate til full, but not beyond, and had very little guilt (abnormal for my disorder, when a single bite of anything can tempt me to unreasonable mounts of fear, guilt, and frustration) - Praise God! And I cannot tell you all how releasing it has already been to write about this, having it out in the open, not hiding in the dark corners of my heart. That being said, keep me in your prayers. Knowing that this is also a Spiritual battleground I'm treading on, I would truly appreciate it :)

til tomorrow, salut mes amies!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake with Kale

1 heaping tbsp of natural creamy peanut butter (made with only peanuts and salt)
1 heaping tbsp of cocoa powder, unsweetened
1 leaf of Kale
1 medium banana
1 tsp of agave nectar (optional)
4-8 oz of water, per taste
handful of ice


Blend in blender til smooth. Garnish if desired with a pinch of cocoa powder.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Intuitive Eating



So I know its been a long time since I've posted anything... here... there... basically, I'm a negligent blogger. But I feel I need to keep trying, whether it be simply to keep myself working on my writing, or to journal in some therapeutic fashion, or to keep myself accountable as I am about to do...


I have an eating disorder.

To some of you, this is shocking.
I've struggled however with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) since my Freshman days in college. I gained the typical Freshman 15, but didn't stop there. The first 15 rolled into 20, 25, and landed me approximately 30 lbs heavier within a 4 month period. Crazily enough and probably because my weight distributes very evenly throughout my tall frame, I didn't see that my weight was truly spiraling until I randomly weighed myself during a discussion with friends and was devastated to see the scale go far beyond what I had imagined. A shock like that to the senses is enough to make any woman go through serious depression issues. Prior to college I hadn't struggled that much with weight - the blessings of a fast metabolism, a highly active lifestyle, and being a slow eater. By high school, I had learned to pick up the pace at the lunch table and had my first run-ins with body image issues when my at-the-time-music-producer told me i needed to lose weight (I was 5'9" and 140lbs at the time, around a size 4...yeah...), but I did not have a very emotional relationship with food... or so I thought. The changes were unfortunately already setting in, and when the stress of college became part of daily life, also did the fried food, late nights, and additional pounds. Food became an obsession.

Six years, multiple crash diets, and hundreds of manic episodes later, I want to put a stop to it the best way I know - accountability & Intuitive Eating.


Intuitive Eating
The book from which the concept is taken (or vice versus, chicken and egg, ya know...) is written by nutritional experts Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, both of whom have worked in the medical field regarding eating disorders for what is collectively three decades. Their concepts have been used in clinics across the nation, including the Los Angeles Eating Disorder Center of California - this clinic is known of more in recent years due to Katharine Mcphee's self-admission to a program there just prior to her 2006 rise in fame on American Idol. In an interview about her progress, McPhee stated, “I learned that there’s no such thing as a bad food. If you look at a doughnut, people think it’s a fattening food – why? Because if you eat it you’ll get fat? No, you’ll get fat if you eat 10 doughnuts.” Sounds good to me.

So what is Intuitive Eating? Basically, there are ten principles to follow in order to give the program its highest success potential, and they are as follows:

1 - Reject the Diet Mentality
2 - Honor Your Hunger
3 - Make Peace with Food
4 - Challenge the Food Police
5 - Respect Your Fullness
6 - Discover the Satisfaction Factor
7 - Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food
8 - Respect Your Body
9 - Exercise--Feel the Difference
10 - Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition

Tomorrow is the day I will officially begin documenting my journey with Intuitive Eating. If you are interested in learning more, I highly suggest checking out the Intuitive Eating Website and purchasing the book if it is something you want to seriously try out. I will go into more detail on the 10 principles individually over the next ten days as well beginning with tomorrow's blog.

As i said at the beginning of my post, I believe I can use blogging as method of keeping myself accountable (we all need accountability...) in a way that will encourage progressive and healthy choices, and to discourage unhealthy habits like overeating, purging, etc., especially knowing my temptation is to binge when I am alone and no-one is looking. That being the case, I am going to tell you all what I ate today...I know. Its the day before I "officially" begin, but I think a practice run will do me good.

Breakfast -
1 serving of Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Raisins, Almond Milk, and Almonds
12 oz coffee with soy creamer
Snack
1 large gala apple
Lunch
Annie Chun's Peanut Sesame Noodle Bowl
Snack
16 Pringles
Dinner
12oz Caramel Machiato
Chocolate Croissant
1 serving of chili top ramen
Additional
1 serving of Double Salt Licorice Candies
8 red vines
1/2 serving of cheetos
This is just the beginning folks. I would be blessed by your encouragement as well as happy to have you join me if you feel so led.

God bless & Bien Sur,

Hajre