Monday, February 20, 2012
When the proverbial explicative hits the fan...
Sometimes, people hurt you... Badly. Without ever intending to, they can crush you to the core, push you to the end of yourself, and you'll feel like you cannot move, even clenching your eyes so tightly shut for fear your pulverized heart is completely strained to soup and will pour through your irises if you dare open them. Why does this happen? Short AND long answer - I don't know. So what do you do with this blasted eating-disorder thing??? All the legitimizations come just as they have before, such as "I deserve to take extreme measures to be thin, I'm dealing with a crisis and at least I'll feel better about myself when I look great" or "2 gallons of ice cream will always make me feel better" and "It's my body, my choice, and I want to be skinny even if I have to starve to get there!"
THIS is the voice of my ED.
Dang it - I've chosen to not do as ED tells me to do.
So, I can only do one thing...
FEEL. It seems so simple, but its true. I need to let myself be hurt. I need to let myself FEEL that hurt. I need to be honest about the anger that wells up in response to the pain that paralyses. And I need to take it to God. SO between the sobs, you mutter and cry and weep..."GOD, I'm ANGRY! Jesus, I feel betrayed! Lord, I hurt... God, I can't breathe... help me through this because I don't know how to make it thru this...Lord, please fix me - I'm falling apart. Jesus, please heal me - I'm dying."
You fall asleep that night, maybe with a little extra help from the psalms, tea, haagen daas...
And then you wake the next day, breathing in the same air, dealing with the same pain, fighting with the same voice... but it's not the only voice.
So often, we are called to take steps into the fire, sometimes we're thrown in, and sometimes we put ourselves there by routes of self-destruction, but God's answer is always the same - TRUST ME, FOLLOW ME, and I WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH IT. And that's where I am. Is it easy? nope. Is it against my nature? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Is He right? ........ YES. I know Him well enough to know He is ALWAYS right, and that HE never fails. Though the rest of the world tells me the opposite, and I do not have all the answers, I KNOW HE IS STILL GOD.
So I breathe in, get out of bed, and start walking with him again, trusting Him with another day. and not letting ED, society, or any other power or principality stop me from moving forward, one step, one bite, one tear at a time... and I have no regrets. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57; 1 Chronicles 28:20; Hebrews 13:5
Today's food log...
Coffee with steamed soy
3 oz greek yogurt with kiwi
handful of oats-squares cereal
Mid-morning Snack (9:30am)
2 sliced of whole wheat toast with raw honey
unsweetened pomegranate white tea
vegetarian chilli with tomatoes, black beans, and green onions
2 garlic knots
8 oz chocolate soymilk
coffee with raw sugar
3/4 cup brown rice
bowl of shredded wheat and almond milk, sweetened with agave
bowl of wheat farina with agave, ginger, cinnamon, and nutritional yeast
1 gingeroo cookie